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. •You're Thai if you still can't tell the difference between a heated argument and a free and honest debate. In Thai society, to question the judgement of someone in authority - be that a boss, a teacher or even a father - can be construed as an act tantamount to mutiny. Therefore, it's rather sad that in our culture, a valid statement is determined more by who said it, rather than the merits and reasoning behind what was actually said.
•You're Thai if you're a Sunday driver even on weekdays. Thai motorists are infamous for inventing their own secret traffic code, and all foreigners need to get to to grips with this quickly or else life on the roads will be a nightmare. In any other country, flashing your headlights would signal giving way for the other car to pass. But in Thailand flashing headlights is equivalent to a rattlesnake shaking its tail; it means don't make a move or I'll run you over.
•You're Thai if you still find it amusing that a group of farang will go to a restaurant and each person would order the same appetiser and main course instead of what a group of Thais would do, namely each person ordering something different and then sharing the variety of dishes. Thais are confident that this is the most rewarding way to enjoy a communal meal, until of course an argument breaks out on how to fairly split the bill because nobody got to eat enough of what they really wanted.
• You're Thai if you have an obsession with skin colour. Thai women would willingly climb Mount Everest barefoot rather than spend a day slogging in the glare of the afternoon sun and risk losing that porcelain white complexion they've acquired through years of diligently living without any exposure to natural sunlight. This obsession has spurned a whole industry based on products that promise to make you white; from moisturisers to pills and even deodorants that allegedly improve the complexion of your armpits.
• You're Thai if you could never bring it upon yourself to charge your adult children rent if they continue to live at home after graduation. I have a best friend called Adam who I grew up with in England. One day while sharing a pint at The Hereford Arms, our local watering hole, with a bewildered look on his face Adam asked me what I thought about his parents deciding to charge him 75 a week for rent. Needless to say I thought it was much more amusing than he did.
• You're Thai if you've never purchased a real DVD for the reason that around the corner from where you live, a bloke sets up shop daily at 5pm and sells you the counterfeit version of Skyfall for a tenth of the retail price.
• You're Thai if you're completely against trying the local cuisine of another country that you're unfamiliar with. Our civil servants are especially guilty of this. A Thai civil servant could be on a three-day state visit to Paris - the gastronomical capital of the world - with a diplomatic pass guaranteeing a reservation at L'Amis Louis on Rue du Vertbois, but the first question the concierge at the hotel can expect will be ''Could you please tell me where the nearest Chinese restaurant is?''.
• You're Thai if you prefer to delegate life-changing decisions like who to marry or when to plunge into the stock market to one of those phoney C-grade celebrity palm readers we see too much of on television. Instead of censoring meaningful discussions on relevant issues, maybe Thai authorities should make it more difficult for these scam artists to make a living off the backs of innocent people whose only crime seems to be their own gullibility.
• You're Thai if you suffer severe fits of withdrawal without your daily fix of Mama, the instant noodle brand that contains so much MSG, it numbs your mouth before you can really taste how wonderful it is.
• You're Thai if you still think it's perfectly safe to drive a motorbike carrying your mother-in-law, your wife, two teenage daughters and your three-month-old baby tucked away in your rucksack, all while sending a text message to your best mate on your iPhone 4S.
• And last but not least, you're definitely Thai if you think its absolutely fine to pack three durians, five packets of dried squid and a bottle of fish sauce in the overhead compartment during your Thai Airways business class flight to Frankfurt, and still have total confidence that none of the Germans sitting across from you will start complaining about the suspicious odour coming from above.
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